he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
