She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
