You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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