our cab driver is having phone sex.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
