Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
