i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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