Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
