The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
