She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
