They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
