I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
