Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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