My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
