How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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