just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
