My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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