So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
