So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
