I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
