don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
