i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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