im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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