My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
