What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
