two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
