mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my shit smells like andre
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
