On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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