I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
