No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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