somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
