I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
