theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
