So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
