I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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