I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
