Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
