Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
