i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i believe in u and ur pee
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
