so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
