On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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