Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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