I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
