it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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