i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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