I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
