Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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