can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
