U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
