I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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