First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
