Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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