Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
