I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
