I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
