Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
