the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
