Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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