do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
